Things I imagine Liz Lemon would say

I would like for fortune cookies to get less preachy.  I don’t need them to be predictions about significant life events, I would rather them be less ambitious and say, “Watch out for stray dogs today,” or “Someone will bring doughnuts to work soon,” than “Should have is a favorite phrase for those looking for excuses.”

It’s unfortunate that you can’t neti-pot chest congestion, since I’m pretty sure that would just be drowning.

Water heaters should be bigger than kegs.  It takes some of us longer than others to shave our legs when we only do it quarterly. … it takes 4 disposable razors.

Liz: I, for one, am embracing my gray hair, because it looks wise and distinguished.

Jack: Oh, please, Lemon, gray hair only looks distinguished on wealthy gentlemen and Irish setters.