Fudgebudget

Wherein I express myriad incredulities

Archive for August 2010

A journey, you say

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“You see, I’m going on this journey.”

If I never hear that phrase at a library again it will be too soon.

There was a recurrent anonymous patron at the public library who thought that he was on a very profound genealogical journey.  With Monarch of the Glen.  Oh yes, this man thought that a BBC prime-time soap opera miniseries was about his family.  Wouldn’t it be nice if all of our genealogies had special packaging?

I explained to him several times that this was a work of FICTION, but he never “got” it.

Ever.

Which would have been sort of charming in a weird and senile way if it weren’t for the fact that HE NEVER BOTHERED TO WATCH THE DAMN DVDS.  Every couple of weeks, he’d show up at the library again, asking to renew the DVDs, and every couple of weeks I had to explain that there was a hold list for them so he’d have to turn them in and wait for them AGAIN.  Then he would have them for TWO WEEKS and FORGET to watch them.  And then he’d be back at the reference desk, trying to go on his journey.  AGAIN.

And you know, I should take time out right now to be thankful that DVDs can be out for weeks at a time.  It’s not like Starbucks, where their product lasts … oh … 30 minutes?  Tops?  And their annoying patrons come back way sooner than mine.   Remember:

However, avoiding retail and customer service was the main reason that I finished my degrees.  True story.

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August 31, 2010 at 4:47 pm

BUGS. EVERYWHERE.

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I have been at work for less than an hour and a half, and it is already a banner days for bugs.  They are everywhere.  And when I don’t find them coincidentally, people are BRINGING THEM TO ME.

The morning started innocently enough – I couldn’t find my travel mug and had to bring my coffee in Tupperware that looks like a bucket.  I was running late, and because this is New Mexico and nothing ever works, the gas station couldn’t take credit cards.

I finally get to the office and start to take the rubber bands off of all of the newspapers that were delivered over the weekend (also: if whoever delivers these papers reads this blog – STOP WRAPPING THE BAND AROUND TWICE because they SNAP and it freaking HURTS).

And yes, it was really that huge.  Maybe the cricket guts smeared all over the front page will detract people from wanting to steal that paper today.*

As if that was not traumatic enough (because those things are scary when you’re not expecting them), I then opened the Wall Street Journal to find:

Yeah, I’m like 95% sure that spider was a black widow.*  It was huge and bulbous and black, and I saw some red on it before smashing it to smithereens. The cover of our Wall Street Journal today is covered in spider guts.

Feeling both shaky from my encounters and pleased with the fact that I just saved someone’s life (probably mine) from a deadly black widow bite, I go back to my office to do some paperwork.  In comes our electrician who wants to know which lines he needs to run in our back room for the orientations we’re going to be doing.

And I don’t care how cool some people think praying mantises are, those things are creepy as hell.

So I’m a little afraid of what the rest of the day will bring (read: what new insects the day will bring).  Here’s to hoping that your office is not full of scary creatures that are out to eat your souls.

Also, our electrician looks like Santa in a train conductor hat.  Normally he cracks me up, but man, the PRAYING MANTIS.  Ugh.

*Cricket image taken from here. Spider image taken from here. Praying mantis image taken from here.

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August 23, 2010 at 6:26 pm

MVD

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I wake up to that every morning.  It’s hard to accurately depict her without motion, since those “cute”little paws are usually kneading biscuits on my windpipe (as cats, least of all this one, have no concept of personal space or the need to breathe).

And so that’s what I woke up to this morning as well, aptly, as I prepared to go to the MVD.  It’s supposed to stand for Motor Vehicle Department, but I prefer to refer to it as Monotonously Vacillating toward Death.

And those sad little fabric flowers atop the pens are probably how the employees desperately cling to sanity, day in and day out.  In the Land Where Time Stands Still.

Another lesson I am currently learning is that I should never come here without coffee.  That was dumb.

I am pretty sure that this wait is killing me slowly.

Also, there is no reason for them to have these giant flat screens when they aren’t even showing us anything.  Not even wait times.  There are posters all over the place to remind people not to drive drunk, but I feel that these TVs could instead show footage of what HAPPENS to people when they crash their cars drunk, and it would be a better deterrent AND we’d be entertained.  Gruesomely.  But entertained nonetheless.  It would at least be a detraction from the ENDLESS SHADES OF GRAY.

And after over an hour of waiting, I have just learned that I did all of that for nothing, because I have to mail things back home to be notorized.  I wonder if there’s someone up there laughing at me.  Or possibly Ann Coulter in liberal hell (wait – can she laugh?).

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August 21, 2010 at 6:40 pm

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Interwebs

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Disclaimer: The following are things that were ACTUALLY SAID on my Facebook page in the last week.  You cannot make this stuff up.  You would be too stupid to do that in a non-satirical manner.  I hope.

On a post regarding the precarious circumstances current to Net Neutrality (which you should ALL CARE ABOUT) and how the Tea Party is against it (because they hate everything, regardless of what it is):

… and because of course this had NOTHING TO DO WITH Net Neutrality, I bemusedly asked the poster if he in fact knew what Net Neutrality is.  To which he replied:

Commence head hurting.  And while, yes, that sentiment is indeed “plain and simple” it is completely and utterly untrue.  On which many people called him out, thankfully.  I love my friends.

Also, I think he might be leaking a little next to that sexy picture of a pantless Sarah Palin.  Just saying.

And I still think that Tea Party people hate everything.

———–

So less than a week after that mess, I post the article about Palin and the library that I blogged about yesterday.  HOLY FIRESTORM OF IGNORANCE, BATMAN.

After I ranted for a bit in reciprocal righteous indignation, the Boyfriend posted.

Liberal Hell:

As an aside, I can’t believe how creepy my home set looks.  I should work on that one day.

Was Crazy done?  Of course not.

Amazingly, it continued to go downhill from here.

It devolves into personal insults at this point. Some of them were quite impressive.

You know, I was originally going to do more from the thread, but I can only use the “despair” tag once per entry.

**”Hello Cthulu” was taken from here.

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August 20, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Teapots

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To whomever wrote this article, I love you.  How much?  So much that you are Paint-worthy.

You bunch of sexists!!!!!!!

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August 19, 2010 at 6:38 pm

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She’s a regular.

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The Boyfriend and I decided to make a quick trip through the Starbucks drive-through last night. This was a mistake, because any time you plan on making a “quick trip” somewhere, it inevitably turns into a long ordeal (at least in my experience), and last night was no exception.  As we pulled up to the window, we noticed a person walking next to the car.  Perplexed, I slowed down in case Crazy decided to run in front of me (again, caution based on frequent experience, not limited to the drunk dude that fell in front of my car on my way to work the other day and the crazy lady who ran out in front of my car in Colorado recently).  Again, this was a mistake.  Don’t slow down for crazy people, because stuff like this happens.

It was at the point that I was reminded of the time that I was explaining my “Flypaper for Crazies” philosophy to a friend several years ago at another Starbucks, far away in Texas.  As I elaborated on the fact that I attract crazy people, a person wearing a bathrobe and plastic bracelet on his wrist approached the table and said, “Could y’all please give me bus fare?  I gotsta get back to the institution – I got papers and everything, see?”  And indeed, he really did have papers.  My friend looked at me, gave him $10, and sent him on his merry way, you know, before we got mauled.  You can’t make this stuff up.

I had a lot of time to think about this since it took Crazy FOREVER to order whatever she was ordering.

Also, this is her leaning over to talk DIRECTLY into the mic – my mad Paint skillz have limits, apparently.

FINALLY, after more than 5 minutes of just sitting there, she finishes her order and, of course, walks to the drive-through window.

When she walks off, we drive up to the window and have a laugh with the guy about the ridiculousness that just happened.  And then the guy says:

… as if that is some sort of excuse?  Like not having your car there means that you can’t GO INSIDE????  I thought, “Maybe she just has the worst case of claustrophobia EVER?” until I remembered, “Wait, she has an RV here.  There’s NO WAY that going inside a Starbucks is less claustrophobic than being in an RV.”  The weirdest part of all of this is not the obvious Crazy person, but the fact that the Starbucks staff was so accommodating – WHAT?  “She’s a regular.”  Sigh.

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August 18, 2010 at 6:38 pm

Posted in Comic, General

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She’s my best friend

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Remember when I talked about public libraries having a special place in the community?  Here’s my rant on security and then a comic to make it less preachy (not really).

Branch libraries deserve adequate security just as much as downtown/main libraries.  This is a fact best illustrated by the pictures that follow in a bit.  When your branch’s employees express security concerns, and you’ve already got security there until 8 when the library closes at 9, spring for the extra hour so that people can walk to their cars at closing without feeling like they are some crazy’s quarry. I feel that this is a reasonable and decent thing to do.  A lot of stuff can happen in that hour.  Like this guy:

*

Oh he looks innocent enough.  He even ACTED innocent enough.  Until this phone call.

And then there was another phone call.

And then he left on a metaphorical Huffy bike.

Apparently he didn’t really leave, he just went outside to stew in his anger.  Then he came in and made another phone call (this is also why I would discourage a library from introducing a courtesy phone).

Patrons got scared.

Library staff were scared.

Security left.

And then Crazy attacked us as we left the building.

Okay, so he didn’t really attack us, but that’s beside the point.  HE COULD HAVE.  And for all we know he could have been singing Hannah Montana songs the entire time he mauled us. Didn’t think mauling could get any worse?  Play Hannah Montana during the fact.  Moral of story: never go camping in bear country with Hannah Montana.  A Crazy could find you and maul both you AND the bear.  Hannah Montana would survive to make more music, and you’d be a casualty of our health care system who doesn’t properly medicate people.  And that’s the real tragedy here.

*Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, their souls, and firstborn children are the property of the Disney company, so that tiny image is trademarked I’m sure.  I got it from this site, who didn’t even bother to add a snarky disclaimer.

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August 15, 2010 at 7:51 pm