Fudgebudget

Wherein I express myriad incredulities

Archive for January 2011

Wishful thinking.

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Normally I have no qualms with the ravens (I say, “normally,” because one assaulted me as I was getting out of my car this morning … this morning was just creepy). But I like ravens. They’re really beautiful birds, and they have a way of eying tantrum-throwing, small children like they want to snatch them up and take them somewhere for a snack. (And really, they’re so huge out here that the thought is not entirely unfeasible.)

Aaaah … wishful thinking.

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Written by fudgebudget

January 26, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I went to the aquarium

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This would be a good time to explain that I have a habit of personifying animals. All of them. All of the time. My cat probably “talks” just as much when I’m home as I do. She says things like, “Bitch, please,” or, “Crazy lady, I’m comfortable, don’t make me MOVE!!” or my personal favorite: “I will eat your face while you’re sleeping.”

So is it any wonder that as the Boyfriend and I sat in front of the giant wall-expansive tank at the aquarium this past weekend, taking pictures and being entertained by the children around us, that we made all of the trapped creatures talk? For instance:

(At that point, small children decided they wanted to be my friend … because we’re a lot more alike than I’m comfortable with)

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Written by fudgebudget

January 19, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Why I will be one of the first to die when the race wars come*

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If you aren’t already listening to “Helter Skelter,” then you should be.

Why will I be one of the first to die when the race wars come? Because no one will want to share their emergency kosher foodstuffs with me, as I will have spent too much time making fun of it.

Now, eFoods Global doesn’t say that their products are intended specifically for use after food distribution has been interrupted due to the outbreak of the apocalyptic race wars that Charles Manson assures us are coming, but I feel it is implied.

For almost three decades, we have made it our mission to help families all over the country serve, save, and plant food products so they will never have to worry about begging, especially during times of hardship such as

• Poor economic times
• Famines
• Droughts
• Disasters

And when the race wars DO come, not only will you and your family be fed, you can also make a profit! WIN.

At eFoods Global™ our delicious, nutritious and affordable foods are convenient for daily use and are also easily stored as reserves for use during times of need. Serve them. Save them. Share them. Use them to create a viable income as an Essential Business Owner.

And did I MENTION that everything is kosher?? The sales pitch pretty much makes itself!!

Now, I want to commend eFoods Global for being pretty optimistic here. I don’t know if I would have the sheer faith and gumption to reassure people that money means anything after the apocalyptic race wars come. This basically assumes that the food is going to help us dig ourselves out and use the profit we made from selling our foodstuffs to give ourselves a leg up during what I am going to term the Second Reconstruction.

I think that today is a good day to ask yourself if YOU have a plan to protect your family when the apocalyptic race wars come. If food distribution is inhibited … it will already be too late.

*Alternately titled: “The One Where I Revel in Sweet, Sweet Facetiousness.”

Written by fudgebudget

January 7, 2011 at 7:45 pm