Fudgebudget

Wherein I express myriad incredulities

Archive for February 2012

Carrier pigeons – or, more realistically, carrier ravens

leave a comment »

It’s usually when I realize that an idea is ridiculous enough to make a good local news story that I know it should be a satirical blog post.

I just watched a woman try to contact a relative who teaches at an elementary school.  It took more than 15 minutes to even access the relative in question because the secretary of the elementary school is out, so instead she had to call the high school who would then transfer her to the appropriate elementary school office who would then have to go to the department level and so on and so forth. Because she can’t call a room directly.

I made the comment that carrier pigeons would enable her to bypass the bureaucracy faster – and then it hit me – what a fantastic local news story that would be.

Woman trains carrier pigeons to avoid bureaucracy and saves time doing it! 

The only problem with this is that we really don’t have pigeons around here, because it’s the boonies, so we’re going with ravens.

Woman trains carrier ravens to avoid bureaucracy and scare small children into behaving themselves!

And that’s the news. I’m Schmug Blernandez. Goodnight.

Written by fudgebudget

February 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm

A passive-aggressive letter for therapeutic purposes

leave a comment »

To the Assholes who broke into my car last night:

I hope you bought some really great drugs with the $10 you will get for my $100 stereo. I hope that dimebag is the best dimebag ever, because it’s going to cost me a few hundred to undo the damage that you did to my vehicle.

Oh, and those CDs you took? They are worthless. I burned them from iTunes playlists. I am still not sure why you took them. I can only hope that my depressing taste in music incites an overwhelming feeling of guilt in your otherwise empty souls. May the guilt cause such loud echos in the space where your heart should be that you personally experience Edgar Allen Poe’s “Tell-Tale Heart.” I am reasonably sure that is the closest you will ever come to appreciating classic literature, you heathens.

I firmly believe that one day, karma will bite you in the ass. Hopefully, Karma is the pitbull that lives next door.

May your drug habits leave you permanently impotent and unable to ever spawn children.

No love,

Me

Written by fudgebudget

February 4, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Posted in General

Tagged with , ,