Wherein I express myriad incredulities

Posts Tagged ‘malls

Oh my god, I’m hideous.

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Sometimes I can’t decide if it’s smart or insane to prepare for shopping as much as I do.

First of all, there’s appearance – I want to look like someone who has money so that salespeople will suck up to me.

The more important thing, however, is mental and emotional preparation. I hate shopping malls. I think that shopping malls need more bars and pharmacists.

Have you ever gone to a makeup counter without preparing yourself mentally first? Don’t do that, it’s terrible for you. It’s worse than smoking. Smoking will kill your lungs slowly, but going to the makeup counter can kill your spirit instantaneously. UNLESS you go in prepared.

Could this be avoided if you just went to Walgreens to get your concealer? Technically, yes, but without samples and color matching you’re going to spend so much damn money trying to find the right shade that you might as well have shelled out to Clinique, whose product is better anyway. If you can’t tell the difference, then you must have goddess-like porcelain skin, and you may step off because you are not one of those people who need to brace themselves for makeup counter interactions.

Every time I walk up to a makeup counter, I am prepared for someone to immediately feel licensed to point out every single flaw on my face, the one part of my body that I can never cover, and on which I know that we are all judged. Yes, Clinique lady, I might benefit from exfoliating more. Oh, my pores are so big that you can see them from 3 feet away? And you see that I have sunspots? It’s never too early for eye cream, you say? Yes, I do still have acne blemishes on a regular basis.

They are really good at making you feel like some kind of beast that no one will ever love because no one can bear to look at your face. They are trained to make you look in a mirror and see nothing but problems.

Now, I’m realistic. I don’t have perfect skin. I need some help with it. But my personal rules for the makeup counter are:

  1. Remember that you are not hideous and that people do love you, and would still love you even if you used all that shit on your face that Estee Lauder is recommending which caused your skin to melt off.
  2. Only allow them to treat one problem per visit. One day, go in for your blemishes. Another day, go in for getting a summer moisturizer for your oily skin. Make it a separate trip for eye cream. Don’t let the person behind the counter make you feel like an acne-ridden behemoth whose ancient-looking face could be McDonald’s backup fryer.

Solidarity, sisters. Do not let the makeup counter defeat you.


Written by fudgebudget

May 13, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Posted in General

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