Fudgebudget

Wherein I express myriad incredulities

Aspiration, fartleks, and more running non-sequitors

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Two weeks ago, I aspirated a moth while running. Because I was in a timed speed interval, I coughed it out, kept running, and when I passed back by the dead winged monster on a walking interval, I took a break to say, “SUCK IT, BITCH, I WIN.”

I think I started doing fartleks because the word “fartlek” is fun to say out loud, but those are actually fun. For years, I’ve had a recurring dream that I forget how to run and can’t make myself do it, so there is something very freeing about sprinting.

Sometimes I listen to music or an audiobook while I run, but often I run or walk with nothing on and keep my headphones on so that I have an excuse not to talk to the people who try to chat on the trails. Why would I want to chat with someone who is literally going 1/3 of my speed with an obnoxious leashed chihuahua? Unless you’re giving me a “GO BLUE” while I’m running in a Michigan shirt, I don’t want to talk to you. My face is red, there is sweat everywhere, I’m out of breath, and I’m on a timed interval schedule, but I still heard you say, “Well then, just ignore the people trying to talk to you.” Thanks, I will continue to do that.

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July 8, 2012 at 6:07 am

Leslie Knope for VP.

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I have long-term wishes for Parks and Rec. Now that Leslie Knope has won the race for city council, I’d like to see her become mayor. Then, after she becomes mayor, she needs to be vetted for the next democratic ticket as VP and run alongside someone who is suspiciously like Hillary Clinton (why hasn’t there been a cameo yet? Just saying. She could even just be sitting in the background texting.).

I like to think that it could be an interpretation of the Sarah Palin story if Palin had been likable and exhibited an admirable work ethic. And didn’t want to shoot wolves from helicopters.

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May 29, 2012 at 2:15 am

Inquiring minds want to know

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People I wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I “friend:”

  • People that I know are serving extensive sentences in federal prisons
  • People I used to date a million years ago
  • Significant others/spouses of people I used to date a million years ago
  • People who are currently dead

Who knows how to turn off friend suggestions?

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May 11, 2012 at 9:08 pm

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Things I imagine Liz Lemon would say

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I would like for fortune cookies to get less preachy.  I don’t need them to be predictions about significant life events, I would rather them be less ambitious and say, “Watch out for stray dogs today,” or “Someone will bring doughnuts to work soon,” than “Should have is a favorite phrase for those looking for excuses.”

It’s unfortunate that you can’t neti-pot chest congestion, since I’m pretty sure that would just be drowning.

Water heaters should be bigger than kegs.  It takes some of us longer than others to shave our legs when we only do it quarterly. … it takes 4 disposable razors.

Liz: I, for one, am embracing my gray hair, because it looks wise and distinguished.
Jack: Oh, please, Lemon, gray hair only looks distinguished on wealthy gentlemen and Irish setters.

 

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April 18, 2012 at 11:08 pm

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Carrier pigeons – or, more realistically, carrier ravens

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It’s usually when I realize that an idea is ridiculous enough to make a good local news story that I know it should be a satirical blog post.

I just watched a woman try to contact a relative who teaches at an elementary school.  It took more than 15 minutes to even access the relative in question because the secretary of the elementary school is out, so instead she had to call the high school who would then transfer her to the appropriate elementary school office who would then have to go to the department level and so on and so forth. Because she can’t call a room directly.

I made the comment that carrier pigeons would enable her to bypass the bureaucracy faster – and then it hit me – what a fantastic local news story that would be.

Woman trains carrier pigeons to avoid bureaucracy and saves time doing it! 

The only problem with this is that we really don’t have pigeons around here, because it’s the boonies, so we’re going with ravens.

Woman trains carrier ravens to avoid bureaucracy and scare small children into behaving themselves!

And that’s the news. I’m Schmug Blernandez. Goodnight.

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February 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm

A passive-aggressive letter for therapeutic purposes

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To the Assholes who broke into my car last night:

I hope you bought some really great drugs with the $10 you will get for my $100 stereo. I hope that dimebag is the best dimebag ever, because it’s going to cost me a few hundred to undo the damage that you did to my vehicle.

Oh, and those CDs you took? They are worthless. I burned them from iTunes playlists. I am still not sure why you took them. I can only hope that my depressing taste in music incites an overwhelming feeling of guilt in your otherwise empty souls. May the guilt cause such loud echos in the space where your heart should be that you personally experience Edgar Allen Poe’s “Tell-Tale Heart.” I am reasonably sure that is the closest you will ever come to appreciating classic literature, you heathens.

I firmly believe that one day, karma will bite you in the ass. Hopefully, Karma is the pitbull that lives next door.

May your drug habits leave you permanently impotent and unable to ever spawn children.

No love,

Me

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February 4, 2012 at 10:24 pm

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The Fudgebudget Diet Plan

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I had a moment of clarity this morning:

I refuse to participate in any diet that prevents me from eating cheese grits.

I think that a lot of people feel this way, and I feel like I can help – with my new diet plan (book forthcoming from FatAss Publishing).

Now, I don’t want to give away the entire book, but here are some of the highlights:

Rule 1: If it’s not worth getting on a treadmill, don’t put it in your mouth.

Rule 2: Sometimes, you need a break from the treadmill, lest all treadmill and no play make Fudgebudget a dull something something. It’s okay to continue putting food in your mouth during this time, but you will probably need to make up for it later. If you already feel like blah, then there’s no reason to pile on yourself as that just prolongs the blah-ness.

Rule 3: Indulge your cravings the best way possible – by obsessing over them for days and then finally giving in. Eat the juicy, fatty, half pound cheeseburger after you’ve been dreaming about and planning for a week and be happy in knowing that you only ate one cheeseburger that week and it was AWESOME.

Rule 4: “Calcium” is now a food group, in addition to “whole grains,” “vegetables,” and “proteins.” This will make you feel more joyful and less guilty when you eat butter and cheese. Butter and cheese are wonderful, and both cows and people worked very hard to make them. Respect the dairy artists and enjoy your butter and cheese.

Rule 5: Be a responsible adult. It really all boils down to this. Reward yourself by not mooching off your parents and not buying bottom shelf booze. Being a responsible adult is not the worst thing that could happen to you.

*Disclaimer: I am not skinny and am pretty much completely unqualified to be doling out diet advice.

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January 13, 2012 at 9:07 pm

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