…
I was just thinking about how weird birds would look without their beaks.
I’m so glad I went to art school.
Teen Mom
I got sucked into Teen Mom.
Let me sum up most of the relationships on the show.
This is what I imagine those kids will think when they are their parents’ age.
That show is like a train wreck and I just can’t take my eyes away from it. It has, however, positively reinforced my decision earlier in life to not become a social worker.
It’s a treadmill on fire.
...it's pretty self-explanatory.
I need to find a better drawing app for my Touchpad.
Sand in my shoes.
I’ve been away for a while, but I promise it’s for a good reason: I am trying to not be a lazy ass. It’s taking some time to learn how to juggle being a full-time employee and commuter, half time student, and not fat, all at the same time.
Also, I would prefer for the entire contents of my life to not be work, school, and expending more physical effort than is my wont. This is why I spent Labor Day weekend at Rocky Mountain National Park and Great Sand Dunes National Park, not being lazy but having fun at the same time. Win.
I also renewed my national parks pass, because I am awesome.
I have a new toy – I lucked out and got a Touchpad when they were ridiculously cheap, and will manage to come up with some new content for here soon via tablet drawing. Odds are, right now, that it will be gym-related, since my trainer is supposed to be amping up my workouts next week, and I may need to exact my revenge with MS Paint so she doesn’t fire me.
May karma and/or Mama Lola strike him down.
I flew back from New Orleans this week on a flight that was not entirely full. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time of boarding, and went through my pre-take-off ritual of “Please let the seat next to me be empty. Please let the seat next to me be empty.”
Well, it wasn’t. But the aisle seat NEXT to the middle seat was.
And yet, this is how that went.
Then we landed and I pretty much mowed Personal Space Invader over on my way out of the airport to the car park shuttle. He deserved much worse, but I’m holding out for karma to take care of that for me.
NACHOS
One of the things I look forward to at work everyday are the broadcast emails that we get from the cafeteria chef. They are usually in ALL CAPS and minimally descriptive of the daily lunch specials being offered that day. For instance, the entire contents of today’s email:
SANGRE DE CRISTO NACHOS $6.00
To those of my readers who don’t speak much Spanish, that email literally translates to:
BLOOD OF CHRIST NACHOS $6.00
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Addendum: My Spanish is terrible, but I translated this for fun and only used the Spanish-English dictionary one two three times to refresh my vocabulary. Feel free to mock my awful translation skills.
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Tengo muchas ganas de los correos electrónicos del jefe de cafeteria cada día. Usualmente, estan en mayúsculas y estan descriptivo mínimamente de los almuerzos especiales del día. Por ejemplo, el contenido del correo electrónico de hoy:
BLOOD OF CHRIST NACHOS $6.00
Para mis lectores que no hablan mucho inglés, ese correo electrónico traduzca a:
SANGRE DE CRISTO NACHOS $6.00
On RVs
When I worked at Yellowstone, rangers used to say that rental RVs were the most dangerous thing in the park. Not bears, not bison, not pools of boiling sulphur water – rental RVs.
Unless you have a CDL, are a particularly skilled driver, or have too much money on your hands and don’t want to give it to me, you don’t need to rent an RV. I don’t know when RVs became some weird compulsory angle to our perverted idea of classic Americana, but it’s over. It should stop. Unless you are a hipster who wants to make espresso in a parked Airstream, RVs can die.
Here are some of the myriad reasons that you don’t need to call a rental RV company for your next vacation:
1. Money. Gas is crazy expensive, and those things get like 7 miles per gallon (I’m dead serious, check out the Cruise America FAQ) for a 55 gallon tank. You will then get 385 miles per tank. At an average cost of $3.79/gallon as of May 30 according to the EIA, you will pay $208 for a tank that will take you the distance equivalent to driving from Los Angeles to Sacramento. So if you are one of those people who harbors a romanticized vision of RVing across the country from, say, Los Angeles to New York, you will driving at LEAST 2,790 miles. That’s approximately 7.25 tanks of gas, or $1,510. And that’s just gas.
2. Money. You will have to find somewhere to park that thing at night and dump the sewage contents. Sleepy Hollow RV Park in Iowa City (which is right off I-80 if you’re taking the express route from LA to New York in your RV) charges $26/night for a standard back-in spot (let’s assume you’re not going all out with the deluxe pull through, which is $34/night), so let’s assume that price for every night you spend in your RV. If you drive 500 miles a day (and that’s a lot of driving and not much getting-out-of-the-car-and-enjoying-America), you will need to spend at least 5 nights in campsites. $26 x 5 nights = $130. We are now up to $1,640 for this vacation, which does not include meals or park admissions or taxes or anything else.
3. Money. Oh wait, you’re going to have to get back home after reaching New York. Now you have to drive back to LA. Going the expedient route, it’s another 5 days and 2,790 miles in the car. Your gas and lodging bill just went up to $3,280, and that STILL doesn’t include meals or park admissions or DVDs so the kids don’t kill each other or the RV itself.
4. Money. Do you have any idea how much it costs to rent an RV from Cruise America? I just priced a standard RV to rent from July 19 – 30 and it was $2,189.00. That does not include taxes, fuel, or anything. That’s just for the privilege of driving a giant death wagon around for 11 days. Oh, and they also charge for miles – $352 for 1,100 of them. Our trip, at minimum, is 5,580, or almost exactly 5 of their mile allotments, so add $1,785.60 to your vacation tally.
We are now up to $5,065.60, not including meals or entertainment. For your family of 5, you are paying almost $100 per day per person.
5. Safety. Because, yes, there are multiple angles to this argument. There is a reason that park rangers say RVs are so dangerous. How many times have I seen RVs come close to running people off the road? TONS. Parks like Yellowstone are already a little dangerous because small cars will stop without regard for anyone else when they see a bison. An RV is a lot bigger than a Corolla, and losing control of yourself or your vehicle in an RV is scary for you, everyone in the RV, everyone around the RV, and any wildlife that may be present and/or now dead or injured.
6. Space. There’s no hotel room to look forward to at the end of a long day of driving. You’re basically living in a box.
Some solutions to the money, safety, and space problems (because no one likes the jerk who points out a ton of problems without offering a solution):
1. Take the family car, preferably something that gets at least 25mpg on the freeway. I was a kid once, and I remember how small the car would start to feel after a few hours (especially when Mom would put the back of the passenger seat down all the way when you were sitting behind her), but that’s when you find something interesting off the road to go check out and stretch your legs, like historical markers or a scenic viewpoint or a Chevron with a particularly nice candy selection. Do some research ahead of time to find some planned stops so people have something to look forward to. Also, most people have the internet on their phones nowadays, you can look for interesting things to do while you’re already in the car. Anyway, if kids don’t endure any hardship they will find it harder to develop camaraderie with their peers when they go to college.
2. If you plan ahead and use Hotwire or Priceline, or even just take a laptop out on the road with you and find a wifi spot in whatever town you like, you can stay at a hotel with more room than your RV for no more than $60/night almost everywhere. I know because I’ve done it.
3. Invest in a National Parks Annual Pass. It’s $80, and it gets you into any national park or monument with possible discounts for camping. My love for the National Parks Service knows no bounds, and taking in our natural wonders is impossible to over-romanticize, even (and especially) without the RV.
4. Consider camping. It’s cheap, and kids love it. Plus, most camp sites are big enough for more than one tent, which means adults and kids can have their own space.
5. If you’re doing a lot of driving in a park like Yellowstone, don’t make one person do all of the driving if at all possible. Switch off so that everyone has a chance to really take things in, and pull over to get out of the car frequently. This will hopefully prevent the immediate loss of IQ that happens to so many people when there are pretty and impressive things around them, both in RVs and cars alike.
6. Alter your driving habits to be more efficient. Coast as much as you can, don’t accelerate quickly, and don’t speed (especially if you’re brown in Arizona – you’re not being paranoid if someone really is out to get you). I drive a tiny Civic, and lord knows I’m not the person you want to be behind on a long climb, but that’s what passing lanes are for. The last time I drove through mountains I got about 42 mpg, and my Civic isn’t a hybrid.
This is probably the most practical post I’ve made, but between my obvious contempt for rental RVs and my love for roadtrips and our park systems, it felt worthwhile. If you’re just here to watch me be an idiot, the Idiot will be back soon.
The Perfect Storm
I booked a hotel reservation last month so that I wouldn’t have to camp out under a bridge when I go to a conference in June.
I went through a 3rd party vendor to book my room because the rate was awesome that way, and I could use Bill Me Later to spread my payments out over 6 months interest free. Win/win/win, right?
Well, then I decided that this would be an excellent opportunity to have a family get together and the mother and sibling could come. ANOTHER WIN, right?
Current tally: win/win/win/win
Well, my room only has a queen sized bed, but they were only going to be there for 3 of the 6 days that I would be there. So, brilliant idea, how about I upgrade the room to a double/double for the days my mom and sister would be there? I could just pay the difference and save the family money!
Win/win/win/win/win
So, I called the 3rd party vendor:
She must have this on her upholstered cubicle wall:
Fail/fail/fail/fail/fail
Dammit.
So I called the hotel:
Fail/fail/fail/fail/fail
Then they didn’t call. I FINALLY got in touch with them, and they said:
So she said-
…
Wait for it …
…
At this point, I am trying not to scream at her. I managed to say:
Fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail
This was repeated a second time, by the way. They claimed to have called and left a voicemail AGAIN when they did not.
Fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail
And, of course, when I finally spoke to a manager, they still couldn’t do anything about the reservation. But, they did make sure to tell me that if they managed to do what they’ve been telling me for 2 days that they cannot do, there will be a $35 room change fee.
Because OF COURSE there is.
Fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/FAIL
I didn’t want to give up and just get an additional room, because I couldn’t bear the thought of the hotel WINNING in this case. My perverted sense of justice can’t handle it. But, there’s no way that the employees at this hotel don’t know my name by now. I’m honestly afraid that the people to whom I have raised my voice are going to make sure that my room has unwashed linens and gross towels.
Fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/FAIL/FAIL/FAIL
The only good thing, though, is that the second room is booked, and I will get to spend time with my mother and sister, and none of this will go to support the Trumps or Hilton family.
Now, I have to go suck up. This is painful. Really, really painful. But I don’t want my hotel stay to resemble a 20/20 investigation.
Fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/fail/FAIL/win. Ish.
Commence the fist shaking.
Play Tic Tac Toe with a DEAD CHICKEN!!
The Buffalo Thunder Resort near Santa Fe is currently running a promotion to play tic tac toe with a live chicken. I really don’t think this is all that challenging – I mean, it’s not like the chicken can employ a whole lot of strategy (presumably). This is, after all, an animal that can drown if it looks at the sky while it’s raining.
Is it really fair for a chicken to be playing a game in which it cannot really know the stakes? Can the CHICKEN collect $50 if it wins? (And, more importantly, should the human against which it’s playing have to give the chicken $50 of his or her own money if the chicken wins? I mean, the person just lost a game of wits to a chicken.)
And why need there be specification of the fact that this is a “LIVE CHICKEN?” Are we to assume that if we see a billboard that says, “Play Tic Tac Toe with a CHICKEN,” that it could also mean a digitally-created chicken? A Robot Chicken? A DEAD CHICKEN?
